God loves me.

You saw me broken
You saw me battered
You saw me filthy
You saw me shattered
You saw me wicked
You saw me lying
You saw me failing
You saw me trying
You saw me angry
You saw me jealous
You saw me prideful
You saw me selfish
You saw me wonder
You saw me lustful
You saw me striving
Worshipping idols


And You said:
I want her
I love her
She's the one for me
I choose her
I know her
My blood has made her clean
She is my true love

My Father, My God, loves me no matter what.
He has my whole heart.
I'm searching for his.

My God.

I want to play the strings of Your heart God
Come play the strings of mine
I want to sing straight to Your heart God
Come sing straight to mine

Lord you have my heart
and I am searching for yours

Lord you have my thoughts
and I am searching for yours

I am so in love with you God.


These past two days have been so amazing. I am speechless. I love being reminded constantly how amazing God is and how much he loves me. It is the greatest feeling ever just to know that we can not even comprehend how much he really does love us. And we can never even imagine the plans he has for us. I am so excited and anxious to just wait on God. It feels so good to know that he has control over everything.

He holds me in his arms every day and night.
He wants me.
He loves me.
He's the one for me.
He chose me.
He knows me.
His blood has made me clean.
He shines his light all around me.
He keeps my tears in a bottle.
He placed a crown upon my head.
My name is on his hands.
I am the one for him.
I am always by his side.
I am finding my beauty.
I am finding my grace.
I am finding my whole heart.

I feel

so lonely.


Just me and God.

Weekend.

I had the best weekend i have had in a while.
Me, cory, billy, kendall, and cam all went to fairhope, they are hilarious.

Anyways, I just love being down there, i don't know what it is. I love talking to jd. And i love everyone down there, and i miss them so much. I loved seeing tim and ashley simmons. I love them, they are amazing people. Ashley seemed so interested in everything that i said, and what i was doing with my life, it made me really happy. I miss her.I played with kennedy and cole a lot... i miss them too. Kennedy is so cute, we played hand games and she showed me cheers, she is so sweet.
We went to my old youth pastor, tim's live recording. I can't even describe how amazing it is. I love listening and watching tim sing.He's so passionate and deep, i love it. I could sit in that environment forever, just listening to worship.



Saturday, i got to meet Jons family. I loved them so much. All of them were so sweet to me. They made me feel like part of the family. They invited me back for thanksgiving. I didn't have anything to do, because i couldn't go see any of my family, but now i'm just going with jon, which i am really excited about. I love my pastor jon.

At church tonight, kristy prayed with me and she really touched my heart, it was one of the best feeling i have ever had while someone was praying over me. I love her so much. I miss her.

I want to be intimate with God again.

17th bloggg

I have probably broken many promises, and i know people have promised me things and have broken them. It hurts a lot. Well at least for me. Promises have always meant so much to me, for some reason?

God has never broken a promise. He keeps all of his promises. That means so much to me.

I recently made a promise to God that i will NOT break.

From now until september i'm going to be preparing my heart for whatever is to come next, whatever that takes, because my life as well as myself will change. I have never wanted something more, and i have never known that what i'm doing is for sure what God wants me to do and is all in his plan. What happens after all this, i have no idea and for once that does NOT scare me. It's actually a sort of relief. Because i know i will figure out who i am, the real me, and what God wants from me and wants me to do, my purpose. I'm so excited, but nervous at the same time.

I have my eyes and my heart completely set on God and nothing will get in my way, satan will throw things my way to try to screw me up, i'm sure of that. But i won't let it, i won't let it.
All i do is pray.

I am all yours, PLEASE do what you will.
I am ALL yours...

fghfgfguidg

Ah!

All these thoughts running through my head and i want them to stop.I can't talk to anyone about any of it. NO ONE. Everyone would look at me differently and judge me and stuff.

There's one person i can tell anything and everything to without being scared they will judge me and i cant talk to that person anymore. I need to stop going to that person for everything. I go to God with everything but when i need to talk to someone this person is who i go to. Oh well.

God just help me please. Make everything work thats going on with me, please. I need this to stop. I love you. Please help me.



I feel so lonely and i hate this feeling more then anything. I miss so many people.

The only real friend i feel like i have is jon burks, my best friend.

I wish

I had more time.

I wish i had more time to spend with my friends. Old friends, new friends.
I hungout with cory today just for a little bit and i loved it. We were just talking
about old times when we used to hangout and laughed and stuff. I loved it.
I miss so much hanging out with people. More then i miss anything. If i could make
it without a job or school i would just hangout with all the friends that i could all day.
I love talking to people about there lives. Like, i love to really get into deep conversations
with people, like heartfelt conversations.
I miss people so much.



So i got some pink converse today, and i love them. Ha, i have wanted them for a while now, but didn't have the money. But i finally got them!!!


I miss my pastor jon.

God.

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."



I say that to myself everyday and when things get hard or when i start to doubt things, this is what gets me through.


I love my father.

Jon Burks

Is my best friend.

I feel honored to be able to be such good friends with him because hes that good of a guy to be around. To me, he is almost a perfect image of a "man of God." Even though he has his flaws, we all have them. He is so much fun to be around and he is so crazy and truely does not care about what people think of him. Even when he does stupid stuff sometimes... haha. I love how i can be so crazy around him and just act stupid and goofy. Today was the first time in a long time that we hungout all day. We were dancing so funny in the car to the soulja boy cd and just being retarded like we always are. When i am around him, i do not care what i look like when i am doing something stupid like dancing crazy... i will do the most embarrasing things in front of him and i dont care because i know that he isn't going to make me feel stupid and i can actually be myself around him. He is an amazing guy to go to for advice because he will always give me the advice that i need to hear. He gives me the kind of advice that most of my friends can't give me.

He has helped me realize that i am not going to settle for someone that i can't be myself around and he didn't even realize it. So thank you.

My last relationship i was not myself at all. I feel like i had to live up to everything that he wanted me to be or wanted in a girl. I would try to be all these things that he liked, but that wasn't me. I was never crazy or weird around him, because i was too scared that he wouldn't like me or would tell me i was being "immature" when really i was just trying to have fun. I felt like he was embarrassed to bring me around his friends, and it really brought me down a lot.
But from that experience it has made me not want to settle for anything less then someone who truely does accept me for me and all the flaws that come with me.



I love life.

I can't explain

what has been going on with me lately.

God has been working in me, SO much. I have never experienced anything like this.
I spent this weekend with Kristy and Leah, and they are amazing. I love listening to
them talk about their experiences and how strong they are. I wish i could have had
influences like them in my life when i was in highschool .Ha, it would have made things so much
easier..and maybe i wouldn't have been so stupid. And i would have been more careful with my
heart. But i guess my past has made me who i am. Anyways, God was speaking to me through
them and they didn't even know it. They make me want to be better and try harder.



I have never really had God really communicate with me, i mean i kind of have but not
like lately. Words can't describe. God is so great. And i have realized that i need to give my whole
heart to God. Well i have always known that i just didn't really know how, i guess. He doesn't have all of it... i thought he did. But he doesn't. And i'm so ready. God has, for the longest time, just been trying to talk to me, but i have been shutting him out, without even realizing it. God has just been speaking to me and saying that he just wants to talk to me, he wants to be my everything,he wants to fill every need and desire that i have right now. It's just amazing.


"Come walk with me
Speak to my heart
What's deep in me,
Only you know
Come walk with me."

That song is really speaking to me just recently. It's so powerful.


I love what is happening.

I officially

hate 119!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don't think i have ever been so impatient, while driving, in my life.


I hate my paitence level.

:)

this will be a good weekend.

Family

is so important to me.
I miss my family so much. As dysfuntional as they are, i love them so much. Especially my dad. I really don't know why? I mean yeah he is my dad but he has never acted like a father in any way. Ha...but i just feel bad for him, he's so lonely. Even though he has done so much to hurt me and my mom and sister i still love him SO much. I don't know what it is about him. I think i was meant to be a daddys girl.. just never really had the chance.

I always used to hold my dads hands and then climb up him and do a flip, it was my favorite thing to do.I also used to hang onto his arm while he pulled up and i would just be hanging there. The other night i did both of those things to Jon, it reminded me of my dad and it meant a lot for some reason. Never did i feel like Jon was more of a dad to me until that night. . Jon does take a role in my life as being my father figure, and i love it so much. He really is protective of me and doesn't realize how much just caring for me, like he does, effects me. I love him.

I miss my mom too. She cracks me up all the time. I sometimes don't appreciate some things she does for me, i feel bad about it. She thinks i'm hilarious, it makes me feel good. Hah. She knows me so well too...and you wouldn't think she would because she hasn't been around a wholeee lot. But she knows me. I remember when i used to have to call and ask her if i would "like" some sort of food. This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me...Oh well.

I love my family so much. Not just my mom and dad, everyone.My cousin kayla looks up to me more then anyone and i love it. She used to do everything i did and try to act like me and everything. I'm her number one hero..hah. No one makes me feel like she does. She makes me feel so good about myself just by the way she looks up to me.

I miss my grandma so much. She past away. We used to watch soap operas and game shows together, allllllll day long. And i would sit in the same chair as her even when i was older. She loves celine dion, jonny cash, and tom cruise(she wanted to marry him). haha. She used to make me tapioca pudding in wine glasses. She used to let me drive her little electric skooter thing around. She spoiled me so much. I love her.

I'm spending thanksgiving with my family, it will be weird with my mom not there...but i'll be okay. She doesn't get along with my family anyways....oh ell. All families have problems.

This is probably boring. Sorry.

Orlandooooooooooo tomorrow. YAY!

Soo..

I just found out my semi-new really good friend, Ariana, is leaving and moving back to south dakota at the end of this month. She wasn't supposed to leave until january. Which i wish was the case cause then i would have more time to hangout with her. I really enjoyed hanging out with her a lot. We were crazy, and she didn't care at all how weird i was....
She just started opening up to me about things. And i was looking forward to us getting to be closer friends and really wanted to get to know more about her life and stuff.
She really liked coming to my church too, and i loved that she loved it.
No ones ever judgemental there. She loved that.
And now i'm going to have to work without her too...

I'm really going to miss her.


On another note, tonight i'm going to Rachel Burks birthday dinner...and then me her and lauren are going to stay the night at her house. Ha, i haven't had a "sleep over" in forever.
I love those two girls.. i'm trying to help them out with some stuff and just get involved.

Well...thats all.

I need

to go to school.

I'm always slow to understand things.

"I need to do better then i think i can do. "

Monday

Was a good day...

I had work unitl like 3. Mitch, an old friend, came up to my work to eat with me... we haven't hungout in a long time. Then billy and matt and jordan also an old friend came up there too.
After we ate we just hungout for few hours outside my work...just doing stupid stuff, goofing around. Throwing stuff at matt...hahah.
It reminded me a little of the old days...probably one of the things i miss the most out of everything is spending time with matt and billy(not in that way), they know what i'm talking about. .Hanging out with matt just makes you feel lik there's nothing to worry about... and makes you forget about all the drama that goes on in the world. And i never have a care in the world when i hangout with him. I love him.
I miss the times where we would just stay up all night...and watch movies at billys house...or watch them fight over halo....haha. We never argued in those moments and we never cared about anything. I loved it so much. Oh well, things change...ha, A LOT.

Then after all that...i went home, watched some good ol' one tree hill. I'm addicted now..haha.
First it was the O.C., now its this. Oh well..

Then i went up to the church and hungout with billy and cory, which was good. I mostly just listened to them play music, which was honestly amazing. I can't wait to see what they do.
They're going to make a difference with this thing...and they were meant to do this. I could tell that night.
They are great guys.

Things are getting better. I have realized that no matter what, when one thing goes wrong, and then you start to get things back together and you fight through whatever you are going through, something else is always going to take its place. The devil is always going to be trying to get to your head by screwing up things around you....or tempting you or whatever it is. We just can't let it happen, and we can't let him get to us. Always run to God, never run away.

:)

I do drugs

All day long

Weekend

So this was a good weekend.

I spent it mostly at the church or hanging out with people there.
Friday i worked a catering for the first time, and it was interesting. My feet were killing me afterwards. Then i went to 5th quarter that night, which was fun.
Well me and matt went to the gas station and i locked my keys in my car for like the 2oth time. I hate it when i do it. I'm so irresponisbile sometimes, it makes me mad. Anyways... so we waited and then boomer, cam and jack came to the gas station and had to like pull my door open and stick my antenna down the crack and unlock it. It was exciting. Well cam just stood there and laughed and made fun of me. He said that was the only reason he came along, was to poke fun.
Anyways, so that night was fun. I love just hanging out at the church with people. It makes me happy.
Then saturday i worked all day and then went to prayer at night, which was awesome. I miss it so much. Then a few of us all went to the greek festival downtown. That was really fun. I love hanging out with those people. Jon, erica, cory, jon b, cam, evan, leanna, nataley, and i dont know who else.. but it was a lot of fun. They make me happy. Then i went back up to the church by myself, it's very scary up there. And just hungout for a little bit.. i just like it there.

Then tonight was a good night, for once i wasn't all upset about what was going on in my life and i set all that aside..and i talked to my new favorites: rachel burks and lauren merck, and i prayed with them. and it was awesome. It was kind of weird because like a few weeks ago and i was praying and God had told me to pray about them and i didn't know why...and they have been on my heart for so long and so i kept praying about them. And then tonight they came up to me and we all talked and when lauren looked up at me and told me what was wrong, i automatically knew.... i already knew what had been going on with them...and i just held them in my arms and cried. That has only really happened to me like a few times. And i have talked to people before that have been like yeah.... i knew what was going on...like my pastor jon, he knows everything that goes on with everyone most of the time because God tells him things and all that. Well tonight i felt a little bit of what he does. And it just made me so happy. I love them

And i finally feel like everythings going to be okay with me. Jon tells me all the time that things will be okay...but know i really feel that now. And i have just been realizing a lot of things lately.
One big thing is that just a simple prayer...and just a simple night alone with just you and God can help so much. Just putting everything down before him, in your own time, is when everythings going to get better. I love jon, i wish he knew how much he did for me....he'll never know. Now i know he truely cares for me. Without you helping me and telling me like it is, and disiplining me when no one else does, i don't know where i would be. I love you, my pastor jon, thank you for everything.

Goodnight.

Yesterday

So yesterday was a good day.

I had class. I went to english. Then i went to eat milos with some people from my class. It was fun, haha. Then i had some extra time so i decided to go up to the church and pray. Haven't done it in a while and so i really wanted too. Well i got to the church and no one was there. I was looking around for a pen at the desk and i found my journal that my pastor Jon got me and all the rest of the interns during the internship. Well i hope no one read it, cause that would kind of be embarassing, oh well. Anyways, so i walked into the sanctuary andi turned on the lights real low..and i wanted to listen to some music. So i turned on everything and when i
turned on the computer itunes was already up and i clicked on it and a song "i'm coming your way" was highlighted. So i put it on repeat and went down to the alter and started praying. I started reading my journal and i started to cry, a lot. I didn't even know what to pray about. So i just kept saying "sorry, im so sorry God."
I got so far away from him it scared me. Now don't go making any assumptions of why i slipped away because it doesn't matter. People do make mistakes no matter how close they are to God.
The devil is tricky and he can get to your head in ways that you wouldn't ever think.
It's scary. But i have learned through recent experiences that it doesn't matter how the devil tries to get to you, to never give in and if you ever "fall" to get back up and run towards God, not away from him.
I realized that not praying really does make everything worse. I also realized that running away from your problems and running away from the people that care about you the most is also going to make things worse for you.


Well there's more i could say, but i'll just keep some things to myself.
Thanks. :)

I'm kind of tired

Of doing the same things all the time...
I don't really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing nor do i care.

My week consists of: monday,wednesday,friday,saturday and sometimes sunday, working.
Tuesdays and thursdays, school all day. wednesday and sundays church.
And any time i have off, like nights,i'm usually doing something.
I'm not complaining that i work too much or anything like that.. because my job isn't really stressful. I'm just on the same schedule all the time and its just annoying sometimes.
I miss the days when i did nothing sometimes. Just wasted the day away by sitting at the house by myself or something. Or even if i was with people just chilling at the house or there house.. just sitting there hanging out. I loved those times.
I, for some reason, have always had this feeling where i'm lonely all the time. I hate it. I want to be able to be at my house for a few nights and just chill and not feel like i'm lonely or that i have to be doing something. I always feel like i'm going to miss out on something...

Just a thought: I feel like i don't have to be labeled that i'm a leader or have to meet certain requirements all the time to be one. I feel like i can be a leader in anything i do.

One thing that someone said to me, quite recently was that it's more important what you do outside of the church then what you do inside of the church.Most of the time, the hurt people aren't going to come to us in the church. We have to get them there... or we don't even HAVE to get them there... but more of how we impact other's lives just through our actions and the way we love people. When they told me that, it really made me think.
What am i doing outside of the church? I mean yeah i live a christian life, im not some drunk on the weekends or anything, ha. But besides living like a christian what else am i doing? Yeah, i love people, but i always wonder if people notice. I always wonder what people think of me when they meet me.Can they see God through me? Do they think that i'm a loving person? Do they think im judgemental? do they think im a good person by the way they see me act and talk? I sure do hope so. I just think it would be cool to go back and like ask all the people that have met me or carried a conversation with me and what they thought of me. I just think it would be interesting. Sometimes it's hard to maintain our loving spirit and all that when something goes wrong, or your having a bad day. What about the people we meet on those days. I wonder what they think of me then? And then think how fast we jump to a conclusion when we meet someone that is probably having a bad day or something like that, we usually just make the assumption that they are a biotch or that they are rude or something.
We are just selfish people and sometime we should be more careful on how we act and talk and deal with things, because we never know whose watching us and we never truely know all the lives we impact everyday.

First Bloggggg

So...
This is my first blog. Taylor Rouss made this thing for me.

Today i had to work and then i went over to taylors house and we hung out for a while.
I love hanging out with him. And i am glad we have started hanging out a lot more. A few nights ago we just sat at starbucks and talked for like 3 hours. Nothing serious, just goofing off. He makes fun of everything that i do, but i have started to do it back to him and it makes me laugh.
We sat in his kitchen today for a good 15 minutes trying to teach me how to juggle, it was hilarious...for some reason we could not stop laughing. I love times like those. They make me happy. Half the time he doesn't even know whats wrong with me or if something is wrong...and he just makes my day better and says things that just makes me feel like he loves me no matter what. Even when he doesn't even know what goes on with me.

I also have a new friend, ariana. I love her. Shes awesome and shes very interesting to me. I love listening to what she has to say. She smokes, but it doesn't bother me.
The other night i hungout with her and my friend motes,or jonathon, whatever. We didn't do much of anything, really just drove around for hours(unintentional), we kind of got lost, kind of didn't. Oh well. Then we went canoeing in ariana's lake at about 1 in the morning til about 3, we just talked about what we thought about God and experiences that we have had. I loved it. I love love love listening to people's stories. It's the most interesting thing to me.

Lately i have had some of the best conversations with people, people that are completely unexpected.

One person opened up to me for once, i didn't think they EVER would. Even though it wasn't too much, i just loved the feeling of them opening up to me about something so personal and something that meant a lot to them. He made me realize that all i cared about were my own mistakes, and didn't take the time to realize others mistakes, as well. For some reason i can tell him almost anything in the world. And it's not for the reason everyone thinks it is, but im getting better at not caring what other people think. I can just tell him because i just feel like he will understand my mistakes or something, i don't really know. And plus he always tells me what i need to hear not EVER what i want to hear, hah. Of course i don't like it at times, but who does? Everyone always wants sympathy, but sometimes you need someone to tell you how it is.
He thinks i don't ever listen to him or take his advice, but if he only knew how much the things he has said to me have stuck with me and how some things probably always will. But i am a very stubborn person and i do want/like to get babied sometimes, so i could see why he doesn't think i listen to him. Oh well, i do listen to him and it does help a lot, so thats all that matters.

Well i think this is long enough, hah.

Hope it wasn't too boring.