Faithful.

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me


Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want


Wow. That explains everything that I have been feeling.
It's crazy how God can open your eyes to things, and how he can relate
things exactly to what you're going through.

You are for me.

I heard this song for the first time this weekend.
I don't think I have ever heard a song so powerful.
At least to me it was.


"I know that you are for me
I know you will never forsake me in my weaknesses
I know you have come now even if to write upon my heart
to remind me, who you are."

Nothing has opened my eyes so much.

So Many

I have so many new dreams, desires, passions.
So many new things that I want to do!
It's kind of overwhelming, I don't know what to do with it all.

But, I think I like it. : )



God, you're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you...


I want to be the light that people see.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all that's going through my head really recently.

I'm trying to sort through all my thoughts, but its so hard right now.


One thing that's so hard for me to do is get my priorities straight
Not how I am with God or anything, cause God is honestly what keeps
me going everyday and he is my everything... just other priorities.


Pray, Pray, Pray.

This makes my heart smile :)

I cried when i saw this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrhRLKZ7buE&feature=related

...yeah.

For we are not long here.
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it.
I was made to live.
I was made to love.
I was made to know you.


My soul is breaking free.
Wanting to come alive.
My comfort would prefer for me to feel numb.
But I want to be uncomfortable.
I want to be far from my comfort.


The desires I have, nothing in this world can satisfy.

Empty

I want to feel empty.
More hurt and broken then I have ever been.
Just for you,
Just for you to fill me back up again.


That is my prayer.

God loves me.

You saw me broken
You saw me battered
You saw me filthy
You saw me shattered
You saw me wicked
You saw me lying
You saw me failing
You saw me trying
You saw me angry
You saw me jealous
You saw me prideful
You saw me selfish
You saw me wonder
You saw me lustful
You saw me striving
Worshipping idols


And You said:
I want her
I love her
She's the one for me
I choose her
I know her
My blood has made her clean
She is my true love

My Father, My God, loves me no matter what.
He has my whole heart.
I'm searching for his.

My God.

I want to play the strings of Your heart God
Come play the strings of mine
I want to sing straight to Your heart God
Come sing straight to mine

Lord you have my heart
and I am searching for yours

Lord you have my thoughts
and I am searching for yours

I am so in love with you God.


These past two days have been so amazing. I am speechless. I love being reminded constantly how amazing God is and how much he loves me. It is the greatest feeling ever just to know that we can not even comprehend how much he really does love us. And we can never even imagine the plans he has for us. I am so excited and anxious to just wait on God. It feels so good to know that he has control over everything.

He holds me in his arms every day and night.
He wants me.
He loves me.
He's the one for me.
He chose me.
He knows me.
His blood has made me clean.
He shines his light all around me.
He keeps my tears in a bottle.
He placed a crown upon my head.
My name is on his hands.
I am the one for him.
I am always by his side.
I am finding my beauty.
I am finding my grace.
I am finding my whole heart.

I feel

so lonely.


Just me and God.

Weekend.

I had the best weekend i have had in a while.
Me, cory, billy, kendall, and cam all went to fairhope, they are hilarious.

Anyways, I just love being down there, i don't know what it is. I love talking to jd. And i love everyone down there, and i miss them so much. I loved seeing tim and ashley simmons. I love them, they are amazing people. Ashley seemed so interested in everything that i said, and what i was doing with my life, it made me really happy. I miss her.I played with kennedy and cole a lot... i miss them too. Kennedy is so cute, we played hand games and she showed me cheers, she is so sweet.
We went to my old youth pastor, tim's live recording. I can't even describe how amazing it is. I love listening and watching tim sing.He's so passionate and deep, i love it. I could sit in that environment forever, just listening to worship.



Saturday, i got to meet Jons family. I loved them so much. All of them were so sweet to me. They made me feel like part of the family. They invited me back for thanksgiving. I didn't have anything to do, because i couldn't go see any of my family, but now i'm just going with jon, which i am really excited about. I love my pastor jon.

At church tonight, kristy prayed with me and she really touched my heart, it was one of the best feeling i have ever had while someone was praying over me. I love her so much. I miss her.

I want to be intimate with God again.

17th bloggg

I have probably broken many promises, and i know people have promised me things and have broken them. It hurts a lot. Well at least for me. Promises have always meant so much to me, for some reason?

God has never broken a promise. He keeps all of his promises. That means so much to me.

I recently made a promise to God that i will NOT break.

From now until september i'm going to be preparing my heart for whatever is to come next, whatever that takes, because my life as well as myself will change. I have never wanted something more, and i have never known that what i'm doing is for sure what God wants me to do and is all in his plan. What happens after all this, i have no idea and for once that does NOT scare me. It's actually a sort of relief. Because i know i will figure out who i am, the real me, and what God wants from me and wants me to do, my purpose. I'm so excited, but nervous at the same time.

I have my eyes and my heart completely set on God and nothing will get in my way, satan will throw things my way to try to screw me up, i'm sure of that. But i won't let it, i won't let it.
All i do is pray.

I am all yours, PLEASE do what you will.
I am ALL yours...

fghfgfguidg

Ah!

All these thoughts running through my head and i want them to stop.I can't talk to anyone about any of it. NO ONE. Everyone would look at me differently and judge me and stuff.

There's one person i can tell anything and everything to without being scared they will judge me and i cant talk to that person anymore. I need to stop going to that person for everything. I go to God with everything but when i need to talk to someone this person is who i go to. Oh well.

God just help me please. Make everything work thats going on with me, please. I need this to stop. I love you. Please help me.



I feel so lonely and i hate this feeling more then anything. I miss so many people.

The only real friend i feel like i have is jon burks, my best friend.

I wish

I had more time.

I wish i had more time to spend with my friends. Old friends, new friends.
I hungout with cory today just for a little bit and i loved it. We were just talking
about old times when we used to hangout and laughed and stuff. I loved it.
I miss so much hanging out with people. More then i miss anything. If i could make
it without a job or school i would just hangout with all the friends that i could all day.
I love talking to people about there lives. Like, i love to really get into deep conversations
with people, like heartfelt conversations.
I miss people so much.



So i got some pink converse today, and i love them. Ha, i have wanted them for a while now, but didn't have the money. But i finally got them!!!


I miss my pastor jon.

God.

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."



I say that to myself everyday and when things get hard or when i start to doubt things, this is what gets me through.


I love my father.

Jon Burks

Is my best friend.

I feel honored to be able to be such good friends with him because hes that good of a guy to be around. To me, he is almost a perfect image of a "man of God." Even though he has his flaws, we all have them. He is so much fun to be around and he is so crazy and truely does not care about what people think of him. Even when he does stupid stuff sometimes... haha. I love how i can be so crazy around him and just act stupid and goofy. Today was the first time in a long time that we hungout all day. We were dancing so funny in the car to the soulja boy cd and just being retarded like we always are. When i am around him, i do not care what i look like when i am doing something stupid like dancing crazy... i will do the most embarrasing things in front of him and i dont care because i know that he isn't going to make me feel stupid and i can actually be myself around him. He is an amazing guy to go to for advice because he will always give me the advice that i need to hear. He gives me the kind of advice that most of my friends can't give me.

He has helped me realize that i am not going to settle for someone that i can't be myself around and he didn't even realize it. So thank you.

My last relationship i was not myself at all. I feel like i had to live up to everything that he wanted me to be or wanted in a girl. I would try to be all these things that he liked, but that wasn't me. I was never crazy or weird around him, because i was too scared that he wouldn't like me or would tell me i was being "immature" when really i was just trying to have fun. I felt like he was embarrassed to bring me around his friends, and it really brought me down a lot.
But from that experience it has made me not want to settle for anything less then someone who truely does accept me for me and all the flaws that come with me.



I love life.

I can't explain

what has been going on with me lately.

God has been working in me, SO much. I have never experienced anything like this.
I spent this weekend with Kristy and Leah, and they are amazing. I love listening to
them talk about their experiences and how strong they are. I wish i could have had
influences like them in my life when i was in highschool .Ha, it would have made things so much
easier..and maybe i wouldn't have been so stupid. And i would have been more careful with my
heart. But i guess my past has made me who i am. Anyways, God was speaking to me through
them and they didn't even know it. They make me want to be better and try harder.



I have never really had God really communicate with me, i mean i kind of have but not
like lately. Words can't describe. God is so great. And i have realized that i need to give my whole
heart to God. Well i have always known that i just didn't really know how, i guess. He doesn't have all of it... i thought he did. But he doesn't. And i'm so ready. God has, for the longest time, just been trying to talk to me, but i have been shutting him out, without even realizing it. God has just been speaking to me and saying that he just wants to talk to me, he wants to be my everything,he wants to fill every need and desire that i have right now. It's just amazing.


"Come walk with me
Speak to my heart
What's deep in me,
Only you know
Come walk with me."

That song is really speaking to me just recently. It's so powerful.


I love what is happening.

I officially

hate 119!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don't think i have ever been so impatient, while driving, in my life.


I hate my paitence level.

:)

this will be a good weekend.

Family

is so important to me.
I miss my family so much. As dysfuntional as they are, i love them so much. Especially my dad. I really don't know why? I mean yeah he is my dad but he has never acted like a father in any way. Ha...but i just feel bad for him, he's so lonely. Even though he has done so much to hurt me and my mom and sister i still love him SO much. I don't know what it is about him. I think i was meant to be a daddys girl.. just never really had the chance.

I always used to hold my dads hands and then climb up him and do a flip, it was my favorite thing to do.I also used to hang onto his arm while he pulled up and i would just be hanging there. The other night i did both of those things to Jon, it reminded me of my dad and it meant a lot for some reason. Never did i feel like Jon was more of a dad to me until that night. . Jon does take a role in my life as being my father figure, and i love it so much. He really is protective of me and doesn't realize how much just caring for me, like he does, effects me. I love him.

I miss my mom too. She cracks me up all the time. I sometimes don't appreciate some things she does for me, i feel bad about it. She thinks i'm hilarious, it makes me feel good. Hah. She knows me so well too...and you wouldn't think she would because she hasn't been around a wholeee lot. But she knows me. I remember when i used to have to call and ask her if i would "like" some sort of food. This probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me...Oh well.

I love my family so much. Not just my mom and dad, everyone.My cousin kayla looks up to me more then anyone and i love it. She used to do everything i did and try to act like me and everything. I'm her number one hero..hah. No one makes me feel like she does. She makes me feel so good about myself just by the way she looks up to me.

I miss my grandma so much. She past away. We used to watch soap operas and game shows together, allllllll day long. And i would sit in the same chair as her even when i was older. She loves celine dion, jonny cash, and tom cruise(she wanted to marry him). haha. She used to make me tapioca pudding in wine glasses. She used to let me drive her little electric skooter thing around. She spoiled me so much. I love her.

I'm spending thanksgiving with my family, it will be weird with my mom not there...but i'll be okay. She doesn't get along with my family anyways....oh ell. All families have problems.

This is probably boring. Sorry.

Orlandooooooooooo tomorrow. YAY!

Soo..

I just found out my semi-new really good friend, Ariana, is leaving and moving back to south dakota at the end of this month. She wasn't supposed to leave until january. Which i wish was the case cause then i would have more time to hangout with her. I really enjoyed hanging out with her a lot. We were crazy, and she didn't care at all how weird i was....
She just started opening up to me about things. And i was looking forward to us getting to be closer friends and really wanted to get to know more about her life and stuff.
She really liked coming to my church too, and i loved that she loved it.
No ones ever judgemental there. She loved that.
And now i'm going to have to work without her too...

I'm really going to miss her.


On another note, tonight i'm going to Rachel Burks birthday dinner...and then me her and lauren are going to stay the night at her house. Ha, i haven't had a "sleep over" in forever.
I love those two girls.. i'm trying to help them out with some stuff and just get involved.

Well...thats all.